You're Killin' Me, Smalls!

It's been far too long since I have done a blog post, and boy am I feeling it! I have like a gozillion topics to write about ranging from deep personal feelings to reality tv, but I don't seem to have enough time to write more than a few lines. So blogging world, I just wanted to say I miss you.

Psalms Kick Ass!

So something like 3 years ago I began to read the book of Psalms backwards. I'm still only about halfway done, but boy do I like this book! If ever there was a book about the nature of God, this is it. It's all about his justice and grace and love and particularly, some of the stuff that I love best, is about his majesty. I mean if you've created the whole universe and know how many hairs are on everybody's heads, you've got to be pretty majestic, right? Last year while I was in Spain this was the theme verse for our trip:

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage." Psalms 84:5

Psalms just fit so well with what I feel! Ok, so not the ones about how great Israel is or the "He should punish my enemies" ones... although... well, only if it goes along with His plans I guess. But really, in as much seriousness as I can muster, I love Psalms because they encourage me to see the beauty in this life that God has given me. He gives me great abounding love in so many ways, through the world around me, through the people I encounter, through the things I read. Though sometimes I feel discouraged and depressed about how my life has been I know that God has great things for me and has made me the way he wants me to be.

As an aside, this time last year I was meeting a couple of beautiful, genuine men in Spain. They shared their thoughts, jokes, and dinner with me and my friends. From left to right: Rachel, Helder, Markus, and Tori.

Don't Think in Black & White, Think in Khaki & Green

In all of my musing lately, I have been reminded that life is not black and white. Occasionally, you can find a situation where thinking in black and white is appropriate and helpful, but really I think that's rare. It would be nice though, wouldn't it? So I could just say, "He was selfish and thoughtless. He is bad. I can hate him now." It doesn't work like that though. Instead it's, "He was selfish and thoughtless. He is human. I can still be really angry at him." Life is not simple! Can I get an Amen? People are not bad or good, they're a bit of both. But lucky for me, when one person disappoints me five more surprise me with their goodness and friendship. I am fortunate to know a great number of mostly good people!


What really got me thinking about this whole black v. white concept was actually the recent California budget issues. Funding for California State Parks has been cut and the department is looking at closing a number parks statewide, a few of which are in Sacramento. The list of parks to be closed was made based on attendance and revenue generation. The thing is, just because something has low attendance doesn't mean it's not culturally or historically important. Sutter's Fort is on "the list." But Sutter's Fort is so important! I mean they have artifacts from the Donner Party there! How cool is that?! And they have a really neat overnight program for 4th graders, so that they can experience firsthand what life would have been like in the 1800s. Even though Sutter's Fort doesn't generate that much money for State Parks it is still valuable. It's not a black and white issue. It is a khaki and green issue though. Parks rule!

The Strange Plot to Cripple Alison Graff

Doesn't sadness always cause us to ask why? Anger, too. Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to deal with this? Right now I'm wondering how I'm supposed to deal with cutting someone entirely out of my life while there's still a part of me that cares about him. Why are pictures so hard to get rid of? Why is it that sometimes I feel like I'm doing better and then a few minutes later I'll find myself crying? I found myself asking, "How long? How long will it take for me to feel better?" But at least every day offers something good. For example, yesterday when I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed I began to compare myself to Audrey Hepburn at the end of Roman Holiday, and any time you can compare yourself to Audrey Hepburn you'll feel better. Oh, here's another one: why do I have to be so sensitive to everything right now? Like Nancy Kerrigan said, "Why me?" Oh well. It's not going to last forever.

Introspectacles

I am growing up. It's hard. I don't know if anyone else knew that but it's true. Sometimes it really stinks. You actually have to make decisions for yourself. They're supposed to be good decisions, too. Good decisions are harder to make than you might think. Recently, I decided to give up an addiction. I was addicted to a person. I spent a lot of time with him and still care about him a lot but the relationship just wasn't what it should be. Now I'm going through withdrawals. My heart breaks every day. More than once a day. I miss him. My consolation is that I think we will both learn a lot from the experience. I am spending a lot of time thinking about what kind of a person I am, what I can improve, what people in general are like. People are made to be together, that I know, but we're also so messed up. We're so complex, made up of so many conflicting emotions and experiences and all kinds of different influences. I know I am resilient though. I know it won't last forever, for either of us. I also have a fabulous support team, two people who love me probably as unconditionally as any human beings can. Rachel and Heather, I can't thank you enough.

This day last year...

On this day last year, I was on my way with two of my best friends, Tori and Rachel, to Spain. That was so good. What a way to start a year-- a pilgrimage, a soul search, adventures with friends. Every year should start off like that. Of course, I don't have the money or the time to do it this year. But what about a mini-pilgrimage? What can I do? Climb Half Dome? Probably not. Any ideas?